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Michelle Jensen -- June 9, 2017
Introduction by Rochelle Perper, Ph.D.
Main article title: Parent-Child Talk by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., New Ways for Families
Original article posted at TherapyChanges.com
One of the first questions asked by parents who are beginning the divorce process is, “What should we tell the children, and how should we tell them?” Most parents, understandably, have a tough time telling their children about their pending divorce and describing how their lives will be forever changed. This daunting task can generate feelings of guilt, sadness, and regret. Instinctually, parents may want to avoid talking about the divorce altogether in an effort to protect their children from the pain. However, failing to tell children about divorce in a timely manner can leave them feeling hurt, betrayed and even more confused.
Ending a marriage or a long term relationship is painful – even if it’s the “right” thing. Children in particular have a difficult time because the news often feels sudden and unexpected. The prospect of a new living arrangement can feel overwhelming and scary and many children will not fully understand the reasons why. For these reasons and more, parents need to be careful when breaking the news.
The information below was prepared by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Founder of the New Ways for Families program in San Diego, California. This guide is meant to help parents prepare for this very important conversation. For all kids, their parents’ message should be clear and simple. It should leave out all the messy details that could lead a child to believe that they need to fix the problem, or that they are the cause of the divorce. Children need to be able to talk about the divorce, be given the opportunity to process their emotions, ask questions, and feel validated and heard. Children at different stages of development will have different levels of understanding about what divorce means, the reasons for it, and what the future will bring. Parents will therefore need to tailor their discussions according to their child’s level of maturity.
The most important concept that parents can emphasize to their children is that they will remain safe and loved. To help children through this difficult time of transition and change, parents facing divorce are encouraged to review the information below and develop a plan to approach the conversation in a thoughtful, gentle, and careful manner.
THE NEW WAYS PARENT-CHILD TALK
© 2009 Bill Eddy, LCSW, ESQ.
When parents separate, having a talk with your children that includes some or all of the following may be helpful (presented in age-appropriate terms). You can say this separately or jointly to your children. It helps if you agree on when you are going to say this to them, and what details you have agreed upon to tell them.
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Rochelle Perper, Ph.D., is the owner and Principal Psychologist of Therapy Changes. Dr. Perper established the practice in 2011 with the philosophy and approach of providing focused guidance when it is needed most. Dr. Perper is a licensed clinical psychologist in California, with a caring practice focused on helping clients better navigate and manage life’s difficult transitions. Areas of Specialization Dr. Perper provides action-oriented therapy in a Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy framework that is customized for individuals, families and couples, as well as adolescents and children. Her therapeutic approach involves helping people change their thoughts and behaviors and adopt healthy coping strategies in order to enhance their productivity and satisfaction. Dr. Perper is recognized for her compassion and skill in helping clients manage difficult transitions, including general challenges related to stress, depression, and anxiety. Her unique areas of specialty are helping people recover from grief due the loss of a loved one, trauma, traumatic loss, and violent crime.